Whisper of a heart
by Trinxy
Summary: The bank explodes and so do the emotions inside Beckett. She enters the building with only one thing in her mind - Castle. She finds him alive. Will she be able to hold back her emotions? Slightly AU take on Cops & Robbers - Note the rating change. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N: Many, many moons ago I got a challenge from Lousiemcdoogle to write a fic about Cops & Robbers. Since this episode was both of our favourite episode, I decided to write a fic. Because I just LOVE Cops & Robbers. This is a slightly AU take on what happened there.**_

_**The title is inspired by Hayao Miyazaki's movie "Whisper of the heart". Because this fic has the similar feel. **_

_**I do hope you enjoy it.**_

* * *

**Chapter 1**

The bomb rips the bank apart. The dust is like a wall, swirling so thickly in the air, one could barely see through all of it. Beckett yells frantically for Castle.

It can't be.

A bomb.

Again.

Only instead of her apartment blowing up around her, it's he who's stuck inside with a bomb. And leaving her outside, fearing for his life.

She hangs on to her last thread of hope and prays he didn't blow up.

He couldn't. Not now, after all of she has survived … the bullet, the days in recovery. He can't be dead. She refuses to believe that.

"CASTLE!" she yells again, the panic rising in her voice.

This time she hears it. She hears him yelling back to her. _Oh thank God! He's alive… He's alive_.

She takes in a calming breath and rushes towards the voice.

And then she sees him, together with the other hostages, behind the bars of the room of safe deposit boxes. He's okay.

She yells back to the team, "They're here!"

She's through the doors and shouldering her way into the room quickly.

"I told you! Huh!" Castle laughs in relief.

Even in times like these, he can laugh at this. He can find the jokes in the tragedy. She drops to her knees in front of him. Pulling a knife from her vest, she can't keep away the bubble of happiness. The radiant smile shines on her face. _He's okay. He's alive._

"Here we go. Ready? Okay," she looks down and cuts his restraints. And then she can't stop looking at him, oblivious to the rest of the hostages.

"How are you?" She reaches out, smoothing out his jacket. They don't break eye contact, energy flowing between them. She smiles at him, that special smile only meant for him. The one she only smiles in situations like these when her walls have crumbling down and she lets her love shine out. Castle can't do anything but smile back at her, because who can do anything else when she openly and lovingly stares at him.

"He's not the only one here, you know." Martha's voice breaks them both from their connection. The redhead starts wiggling her bound hands hopefully.

"I'm so– I'm so sorry, Martha," Beckett wakes up from her little daydream and is quick to apologize.

Castle lets his head fall back in frustration at their broken moment.

Interrupted again.

"How're you doing?" Beckett shifts her focus to Martha, helping her to get rid of the zip ties around of her hands.

"Oooh, don't you worry, I feel fine!" Martha smiles as Kate extends her arm to help Martha up from the floor. "Thank you, darling."

Castle is already up and smiling at the two women. "Let's get out of here. The service at this bank is terrible."

That pulls laughter out of both of them and eases the energy around them.

They are all alive and that's all that matters.

* * *

As they near the main lobby of the bank, Peterson debriefs Kate on the situation with the robbers.

It seems there is nothing left, other than a pile of broken body parts and ashes. C4 destroyed half of the room together with the offenders, dust and ash flying around the hostages who still are trying to find their way out of the bank.

"Let's go," Beckett mumbles and attaches her hand to Castle's sleeve. Martha has already grabbed the hand of the pregnant teller, Simone, and is slowly but surely leading her towards the front door.

Castle smiles and watches his mother take the lead. She always does that and he doesn't mind. It's one of the endearing qualities he likes about his mother.

Suddenly he feels a pull on his sleeve and looks down to see what is going on. Beckett's left hand is attached to his right arm and she is slightly pulling him away from the doorway.

She doesn't want to get out?

"Beckett?"

"Come with me, Castle. For a second. Please?" She whispers and looks up to him, her eyes full of awe and relief, shining back to him. "Please?"

He nods. He doesn't completely understand why she is doing this, but he wants to know.

Beckett lowers her hand to entwine her fingers with his. Then she pulls him again towards the shadowy hallway in front of them.

Castle arches eyebrows high up. Beckett has been avoiding his touch for months, ever since he came back to precinct to shadow her again. She doesn't do touching. Why is she suddenly doing this? He doesn't mind it though, on the contrary – he loves when she does that. He lives for moments like this – where Beckett reveals another layer of hers, even though they are just holding hands. But it's amazing.

Her fingers feel tiny between his bigger ones. He closes his eyes for a second to take in the moment - Beckett voluntarily touching him, dragging him to the dark corners of the bank. Then he opens his eyes to see where they are going.

As he starts wondering where they are headed, she takes a turn to the left and stops in her tracks, turning herself around.

Castle almost crashes into her. She places a hand on his chest to stop him and to help him gain his balance. He looks down into her eyes and realizes - nobody can see them in this little alcove, they are safely away from prying eyes.

"Castle," she whispers.

They stand there, frozen in time, looking at each other and taking in the moment. He feels the shiver run up his spine and he shudders. Before he can open his mouth to ask her what they are doing there, she has moved her hands to his face, rising to her tiptoes and pressed her mouth to his.

He stands there, motionless for few seconds, too shocked to move or even breathe. Her lips move against his, soft like a whisper of a butterfly. And suddenly something snaps inside him. His hands move up to caress her cheeks, holding her in place as he finally joins in the kiss, his lips frantically searching hers. The connection is instant, hot flames licking his insides, creating havoc in his heart. He feels a moan reverberate somewhere from the depths of her lungs as he pulls her face closer to him. She opens her mouth and their tongues meet in a passionate dance. He releases her face from his grasp and brings his arms around her, his fingers caressing the edge of her bulletproof vest. Her hands close around his neck and she holds onto him with a tight grip. She feels too good against him.

Everything in his head is a mess. His mind is in overdrive while his senses are overheating. Only her. She is the only one who can do this to him. He loves her. He loves her so much. But she doesn't know it yet.

He wants to show his love to her. He grips her tighter, forcing her to open her lips even more, his tongue swirling in her mouth.

Suddenly Kate tears her lips away from his, breaking their connection. She takes a step back to create distance between them.

Castle opens his eyes and gulps in deep breaths as she is doing the same. His eyes meet hers and he can see panic in them.

She is blushing and tries to gather enough air to speak. In spite of her messy hair and now thoroughly kissed lips, she looks adorable.

He takes a step towards her.

She takes a step back.

"Castle, stop. We can't."

"But…" His eyebrows knit together. "... we just did."

"No, Castle… I … can't… I'm so sorry," she whispers and then she is gone, rushing from the building as fast as she can, leaving him breathless in the dark corner where she dragged him.

He watches her run away and draws in another lungful of dusty air. He can do nothing but shake his head as he is trying to gather his jumbled thoughts back together again.

_What just happened?_

* * *

_**A/N: So, how did you like it? Shall I continue? **_

_**Please let me know your thoughts. Review. **_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: OMG! I didn't expect that kind of e-mail explosion when I posted that fic! You guys are amazing, leaving me over 60 reviews in ONE DAY and … just. I am so overwhelmed with the response I could cry. Thank you so much for liking the story so far. I just hope you like it when I end it as well. _

_Since I am going out to the woods for few days, I don't know when the update is going to be. Hopefully Sunday-Monday. I hope you forgive me. _

_And – I am so glad that SO SO many people love Cops & Robbers as much as I do. You all rock! _

* * *

**Chapter 2**

She can't believe she did that. _How stupid can she be?_ She starts to question her sanity while she focuses on getting out of the building as fast as humanly possible.

_Why did she do it?_ Was the thought of almost losing him so petrifying that she just needed something for reassurance? She sighs and swallows back her tears, remembering the horrifying sense of helplessness she felt when she stepped out of the police van to see her whole world collapsing in front of her. Behind the dust and rubble, there was Castle, either alive or dead, but she couldn't do anything to help him. Not anymore. The bomb had already gone off and changed her life forever.

She picks up her pace when she finally sees the remains of the glass door of the lobby. The sunlight tries to sneak in between the flurries of dust. She just wants to get away. Away from him and the possible ramifications of her actions.

_Oh god, why did she have to do that?_ Why did she have to ruin everything that was beginning to blossom between them? The trust they had built, the growing love and sense of understanding. And then, in a moment of utter horror and weakness, when she just needed reassurance and a proof of life – she had gone and kissed him. Out of the blue.

_What will he think? How might it change everything between them?_

Thankfully, the lobby of the bank is fairly empty, only the police personnel are hanging around, sifting through the rubble and documenting the evidence.

The hostages are out. Everybody is okay.

When she is through the glass doors, she ducks behind row the people who are walking in front of her and hurries towards the Police bus in front of the building.

"Beckett," she hears him calling her from the bank. "Beckett, wait up."

He spots her, but she doesn't stop. Instead, she just walks faster.

She can't face him now. Not after what just happened.

"Beckett!" his shout is coming closer this time. He nearly catches up with her.

But she still doesn't stop.

Alexis is standing behind the yellow tape and suddenly sees her father. She beams "Dad! Oh, thank God you are okay," and rushes past Beckett into his arms. Kate turns around to see them hugging. Martha materializes on Castle's side and he hooks his arms around both of them, hugging them tight.

Over Alexis' shoulder, Castle looks straight into Beckett's eyes. The intensity of his gaze makes her avert her eyes and blush.

It's too much. Too soon.

She knows that Castle wants to talk with her. No, he_ needs_ to talk with her. Luckily for Beckett, he's preoccupied with his family. She turns her gaze up again to look at his family. He isn't staring at her anymore; instead he's hugging Alexis tightly and whispering something into her ear.

She closes her eyes for a moment and takes in a calming breath.

She should have thought about it before she kissed him. In the spur of the moment, she didn't even remember that Alexis was outside waiting for her father, wanting to know if he was alright or not. She had been selfish and dragged him away from his family and then she crossed the sacred line between them.

She turns around and moves further away from him. From his family. She doesn't want to hurt him. Them.

Esposito and Ryan are standing behind the yellow tape and she quickly walks towards them.

"Hey, Beckett," Esposito greets her when she finally arrives to them. He throws her a curious glance, but doesn't say anything.

Ryan smiles at her reassuringly and asks, "Is everybody okay?"

Beckett closes her eyes for a moment and opens them again. She nods. "Yeah, they're fine. They just need a minute." _I need a minute as well, _she thinks silently.

Ryan nods understandingly. "We heard all the suspects are dead."

She needs to focus her mind to the case, not Castle. She just messed up. Majorly. She needs to do something - anything - right now to improve this situation.

Furrowing her eyebrows, she says, "Guys, none of this makes any sense. Uh… An old lady is killed for a safe deposit box key which her dead husband accesses every month? And then this? The explosion? There's something that we're missing."

She takes a moment to gather her thoughts. "What were you saying about Agnes Fields' last surviving relative?"

Ryan takes his phone from his pocket and slides it into action. "Former son-in-law Ron Brandt. Left a message, but he does a lot of business overseas. He might not even be in the country."

He turns the phone screen towards Beckett. "He's listed in a penthouse on the Upper East Side, so we can go check there –"

Beckett's brows knit together and she interrupts Ryan. "Wait, that's …" She looks at Ryan and her eyes betray her confusion. "That's the son-in-law?"

"Yeah. Why?"

Beckett takes the phone from Ryan. "This was one of the hostages. He was having a seizure and …" Suddenly everything makes sense. Why the bank robbery didn't make any sense. Why the C4 and the explosion and letting all the hostages to stay alive - how it all didn't add up.

"Oh, God."

Quickly, she pulls out her phone and dials. "This is Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD. I'm checking in on a patient that came in from a bank robbery. His name is Sal Martino... What? …He did?"

She frowns in frustration when she clicks off the phone. "He checked himself out against medical advice. He's gone. It was him. He orchestrated this whole thing."

"Who orchestrated the whole thing?" Castle's voice carries in from somewhere behind Beckett.

For a moment her whole body tenses. She turns around. Looks him into the eyes.

"Sal Martino." She gives Ryan's phone to Castle. "Or… Ron Brandt."

Castle takes the phone from her hand, their fingers brush against each other. She senses a shudder running up her spine but she grits her teeth and tries to suppress it.

His eyes widen in realization when he sees the picture. "That's the same guy!"

Beckett nods and quickly fills him in on what she knows now.

"We need to get back to the precinct," Beckett points to Ryan and Esposito. "Find everything on Ron Brandt. His family, his bank statements, his phone calls. Everything. We need to get him. Fast."

Esposito nods and pats on Ryan's back, pushing him to move towards their car. Ryan nods too. "You got it boss."

"I will be there as soon as possible," she tells the boys as they are walking away.

Beckett turns to Castle. "I need you to go home."

"Why?" Castle doesn't agree with her.

"Your family. Alexis almost lost you and Martha today. You need to spend time with them. They need you."

"No," Castle crosses his arms on his chest. "I just sent Alexis away with Mother. They'll be all right. I want to know about Ron Brant and solve this case with you and -"

"Castle-" she tries to interrupt, but he doesn't stop talking.

"_And_," he stresses the last part. "We need to talk."

"No we don't," she argues stubbornly.

"Beckett," Castle sighs, "don't argue. You know you are not getting rid of me."

Kate just stands there, looking at him. She really can't get rid of him, can she? She bites her lower lip while thinking about her next move. Then she looks up at Castle's eyes and opens her mouth to say something, but the words die on her lips.

Castle is openly staring at her mouth, his eyes dark bottomless pits.

"Castle," she whispers, ignoring the spark of want forming in her stomach. "No. You need to go home. Your family-"

"Beckett, stop it." He focuses his eyes on hers and becomes very serious. "Are you going back to the precinct or not?"

"Castle," she sighs, trying to master the will to send him away. But she gives up. "You know what, suit yourself."

She turns on her heel and starts walking towards the fire truck, hands busy removing the bulletproof Police vest.

"What are you doing?" She hears Castle's voice behind her, following her closely.

"I have to return the FDNY uniform." She waves to the ambulance van in front of her and continues to untangle the vest.

"For the record, I think it suits you. It's hot."

She sighs, rolling her eyes, but since her back is turned to him, he can't see the tiny smile forming on her face.

* * *

_P.S. Thank you Shena and my crazy german! _

_Thoughts? Review?_


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: 200 follows, 40 favs? Seriously, you guys rock so hard! I am really happy about the support you are giving me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!_

* * *

**Chapter 3**

On their way back to the precinct, Castle tries to start a conversation in the car about what happened.

Quite a few times. But she dismisses the attempts quickly.

"Please, Castle. Let's just drop it, okay?"

Castle won't give up. "I don't want to drop it. I wanna know what happened."

Beckett lets out a long sigh. Right now is not the right time to talk about this. Not when they have a case like this to solve. She can't do emotions right now. She needs to focus.

"Castle," she mumbles. "Not right now, okay?"

When the writer remains silent for a long time, she dares to peek at him and sees him slouched, his face betrays his defeat. He really wanted to talk about it but again, she ruined it by keeping it all in. She sighs again.

"Later. I promise."

How did the situation go from her being afraid to her trying to be supportive?

She averts her eyes back to the traffic and feels him staring at her.

"Promise?" he asks softly.

She swallows back the lump in her throat and nods. "Promise."

* * *

Between the time in the precinct and the visit to the church, Castle held onto his end of the bargain. He didn't ask. He just kept looking at her with those big blue worried eyes that made her shift in her spot and wish that she could kiss him again. To caress those soft, velvety lips with her mouth and drag her teeth across his neck to feel him alive under her-

_Focus_, Beckett. Focus!

Esposito, Ryan, Castle and she are sitting around her desk and chatting about the case and random stuff, like last night's football score, Esposito's PlayStation games. Suddenly Castle and Espo are knee deep in discussion about the tactics of the second _Army of Two_ game.

The ringing of Beckett's phone interrupts their lively discussion about the war tactics and the boys fall silent around her, listening what she says.

"What?" she barks to the phone. The boys tense around her.

They want to know that everything is okay with the family as bad as she does. They need to know that everything they did wasn't for nothing.

"Okay," she says more softly. Nodding at the words that are shared with her over the phone. "Thanks."

She hangs up the phone, her face serious, elevating the energy in the room even higher.

"They found them."

Relieved sighs come around her and Castle pumps his fists in celebration. Everything worked out and they got the guy. _Finally._

Beckett feels like she can breathe now. Everything they did - they did well. They saved a life, they saved a family in need. Ron Brandt is going to go in jail for years and his wife and son can live in peace.

They did it.

"Tanya's going to need a few stitches, but Connor's okay," she informs the guys, sitting down the chair.

Esposito nudges Ryan, happy smile on his face "C'mon, let's go pick 'em up."

He's halfway out the door while Ryan just stands there. "Ithaca?"

He reluctantly follows Esposito, leaving Beckett and Castle by themselves.

The guys make Beckett smile, to see them interacting like this. In the corner of the eye, she sees Esposito nudging Ryan again and he just shakes his head at his partner's antics.

Beckett leans back in her chair and entwines her fingers, letting out a relieved sigh. Everything is okay. Castle's back. The boys are acting like boys. She can breathe easier.

"Even as a hostage I help you solve murders. Beckett, I think – I think you have the perfect partner," he muses from his chair, dreamy look on his face.

She is resting her head on her joined hands and Castle's words just make her laugh. "Yeah, except he doesn't like doing paperwork."

Castle smirks sweetly. "Touché."

She almost opens her mouth to make a comment about them heading to Old Haunt to celebrate the solving of the case. But she thinks twice. Maybe _now_ is not a good time. With things ripped open between them, alcohol may not be the solution. She just hopes that he won't be bringing up the topic until she is ready.

Castle's features gradually grow serious and he asks. "Is it later yet?"

Beckett furrows her brows in confusion. What does he mean by later? "What do you mean?"

"You said we could talk later," Castle's gaze intensifies.

Ah, there goes her wishful thinking.

She feels her palms start to sweat and she swallows. Her heart rate picks up and she tenses.

"Castle, I-"

She doesn't know what to say to him. She has been lying to him for months - that she doesn't remember and she doesn't know what is going between them. But every time their eyes meet, she feels his love for her, engulfing her, swallowing her whole. She isn't ready to… accept anything. Hell, she is barely able to keep herself together.

"Why did you kiss me?" He pushes on.

"Castle, we are in the middle of the precinct," she hisses. "Can we talk about it a little bit later, more private?"

"But-" he tries to argue, but Beckett raises a hand to stop him.

"Not here."

"Where then?" he sighs. "It never seems to be the right time or the right place with you. You know we have to talk about it someday."

She doesn't answer. Ignores him. She stands up and puts on her coat. "Let's go."

"Where?"

"Just... not here."

"And then?"

"I don't know." It's Beckett's turn to sigh.

Castle stands up and searches for his coat as well. "I have an idea."

"You do?" Beckett raises her eyebrows high. This can't be good.

His features soften and he smiles. "Mother. She called before. She says that she has been cooking. She'd asked for you to come over. To celebrate."

His mother? That is best he can do?

"Martha? Celebrate?"

"Apparently facing certain death made her want to celebrate life. You saved us and she wants to thank you properly."

He starts to walk towards the elevator, Beckett at his side.

"Ah," she says, stunned for a second, but recovers quickly. A dinner. With Martha. Family. She can do it. "Okay."

"So, you'll come?"

She nods, slowly, little smile playing on her lips. "Yeah."

"Let's go then. Best not keep her waiting. I want to get there before she burns something down."

His face is so serious when he says it; it makes Beckett chuckle. They stop in unison in front of the elevator doors and Castle pushes the button. He looks at her and his face turns from serious to _faux _serious.

"Hey, don't laugh. It has happened." He stresses, nodding his head with eyebrows raised high, wide eyed and lips puckered - trying to make his point really clear.

Another soft chuckle emanates from Beckett. The doors open and they step into the elevator. Beckett pushes the lobby button, turns around and settles herself to the right side of the elevator.

Suddenly, she feels Castle's body crowding her and his hand is sneaking up to tilt her face upwards.

He is close, very close.

She can only take a startled breath before Castle's mouth descends to her lips. For a moment, she tenses. But when her back hits the elevator wall and his demanding lips move against hers, she gives in. She can't deny the instant energy surrounding them, which makes her feel breathless. And when he introduces his tongue to the equation, all she can do is cling to him and enjoy the myriad of feelings that knock down the walls around her heart, one by one, with each passing second.

After a few moments, their kiss slows down and Castle pulls slightly away. He doesn't let her go.

His forehead rests against hers as they share the air around them, gasping in short breaths.

When she opens her eyes, she finds his delicate blue eyes looking back at her intensely.

"For the record, I like kissing you." He closes the distance between them again, this time angling his mouth for her ear. "I like kissing you very, very much."

* * *

_**So? What do you think of this?**_

_**Review?**_


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

The elevator ride ends little bit too soon and he steps away from her. He lets her breathe and collect her thoughts. Her brain is fuzzy with the overwhelming feelings his lips created and she draws in several deep breaths as they walk towards the parking structure.

Castle has never been _that_ quiet while they walk. He _loves_ to talk, usually some random stuff that doesn't even make sense to her. But, after the elevator ride, he is unusually quiet, walking behind her and following her every step.

She doesn't like the silence.

There are too many thing left unsaid between them. Silence only makes it worse. It makes her think and mull over menial things, worry over details without seeing the bigger picture. Silence makes her heart whisper loudly and she can hear it - what it is saying to her deep inside her chest. She fights the instinctive need to hide her heart away, protect it by any means possible. After those kisses and the words shared between them - her heart is speaking louder, screaming to be noticed.

She swallows and before she can regret it, she turns around to face him. She places a hand on his chest to stop him from plowing into her.

Castle stops and looks at her quizzically. "What's wrong?"

Beckett closes her eyes and pushes the words out. "I'm sorry."

"Uh… For what?"

"For… uh…" she pulls her hand through her hair, trying to get the right words out. "For kissing you? For dragging you away from your family. I shouldn't have done that."

He looks at her intently, a little smile playing on his lips. "I'm not."

"What?" Beckett furrows her brows, trying to understand what he means.

"I am not sorry for kissing you." He takes a step closer.

She draws in a shaky breath and takes a step back.

"Castle, please," she closes her eyes and wills herself to talk.

She needs to stop him from coming closer. She can't think when the scent his cologne tickles her senses and makes her want to kiss him. This is not the time. They need to talk.

He stops.

She turns her head to him, looking into his eyes. "This… is the time. Right time. Place. We need to talk."

Castle only nods slowly, looking at her and listening what she has to say.

She returns her gaze and speaks out. "I'm sorry, Castle. I shouldn't have dragged you into this. I am… still broken. I am… still healing. I... I didn't want you to see any of this. This side of me. I am sorry."

A tear falls down her cheek and she looks down, trying to avoid his intense gaze. She doesn't want to cry. She swallows back the rest of her tears. She just can't - not now. Not when she is spilling her heart out like this.

He lifts her face up with his fingers, forcing her to look him.

"Beckett," he whispers. "I am not sorry, okay? I… liked it."

She closes her eyes as two traitorous tears roll down her cheek.

She doesn't say anything.

Castle traces the journey of one the teardrops with his finger and caresses her cheek with his palm. Unconsciously, she leans into the warmth of his hand.

"You heard me," he states calmly.

Beckett's eyes fly open, her face suddenly full of confusion.

"Wha-?"

He doesn't let her finish.

"In the cemetery. You remember. You heard what I said to you."

Beckett stares at him, mouth open.

How does he know about that? She has been hiding that particular fact from everybody for half of the year. The _only_ person who really knows about that is her therapist.

She... isn't ready yet. To stand against this confrontation. She is far from ready.

Her heart beats wildly. She doesn't know what to say. He has somehow figured it all out, so there is no point of denying it.

"Castle… I," she tries to speak.

"Did you?" he presses the matter further. He doesn't let go.

"Yes," she whispers, trying to suppress a sob that is trying to get out.

"Why didn't you say anything?" he asks lowering his hand to her shoulder, his voice gentle.

She just stands there, trying to think what to say. Nothing really matters anymore, because anything she says will sound wrong or will hurt him. So she just goes for the truth.

"I didn't know what else to do," she mumbles. Castle's eyes never leave hers. "I didn't remember anything at first. It was all one big blur in my head. Faces, screams, pain. I just wanted to turn everything off and escape."

She draws in ragged breath. "Yes, I remembered something. But I wasn't sure it was real. Everything was so fucked up; I couldn't tell what was true, what was false."

She suddenly feels the urge to step away from him, to move. She pushes herself away from him, taking a step backwards towards her car.

He observes her silently, but doesn't say anything.

She raises her hand to her forehead, nervously combing through some of her unpinned hair with her fingers.

"I ran away. From everything. Spent my days at my father's cabin. Everything was hurting. And even then I couldn't tell if it was all in my imagination or if it had really happened."

She takes another deep breath. "Yes, after I came back, I denied it. I was too messed up. I needed clarity in my life, something that could help me set things right. I couldn't tell you because I needed to _understand_ it first. To understand what it means. Or if you really meant it."

"Really meant it?" Castle steps closer to her. "I wouldn't have said it if I didn't really mean it, Beckett." His voice is rises slightly. "You understand I nearly lost you. You died in my arms. You died. All I could give you at that moment were my words. At least you had those. It's all I had to give you in that moment. And then after you were better, you ran away to your cabin. Without saying a word."

She looks at him. Nods. It is an accusation. She understands that. She hurt him. But the way he says it - he is not really accusing her. He is just stating the facts.

"I am sorry," she mumbles. She has said that a lot today. But, at least they are talking now.

Silence falls between them.

"What happened in the bank?" he asks, bursting their bubble of quietness.

"I don't know," she shakes her head, looking at him. After a moment of pause she adds. "I thought you were dead, Castle. I thought you were dead." Her last sentence ends with a whisper and she hangs her head, looking down.

"I'm not. Kate. I am not dead," he says, stepping closer. He looks into her hazel eyes and whispers, "I am not dead. I'm here."

"Yes, yes you are," she mumbles and lets out a tiny sob before she lunges towards him and presses her mouth to his, capturing his lips in a tentative kiss. He brings his hands to her cheeks to hold her head in place and he deepens the kiss instantly. Beckett sighs into his mouth and her arms sneak up around his neck. They remain like this for a while, enjoying the feel of their bodies against each other, the kiss bringing up the old and new feelings around them.

She doesn't let go.

Neither does he.

Finally, air becomes necessary and they need to break the kiss. He rests his forehead against hers and opens his eyes. She does the same.

"Are we okay?" Castle asks, placing a kiss on her forehead.

Beckett nods, breathing him in.

"I'm getting rather chilly. Shall we get going?" he breaks the spell cast around them.

She chuckles lightly. But she agrees with him. It is a bit cold in this open parking structure. And his family is waiting for them. They need to get going.

"Let's go," she nods and steps away from his embrace.

* * *

_**A/N: Woah, people! So much love for this fic! I didn't foresee that. You all are making me so happy with all your comments and likes. Please continue doing that. Seriously, you people are awesome! I just hope that you'll like it in the end as well. I think cheese would go good with angst? ;) Hehehe.**_

_**Thank you!**_

_**Thoughts about this chapter?**_


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Castle opens the loft door and steps inside to his apartment, Beckett right behind him, their hands joined.

During their drive from the precinct to Castle's loft, they somehow connected. Without any words exchanged, she let him take her by her hand and usher her to his apartment building.

Martha notices them and comes to greet them.

"Oh, Kate! Oh, darling! You could join us! Oh, you great, beautiful creature, come in." She pulls Beckett into a big hug.

Castle's family seems to be very huggy today. Martha leads them to the table full of food.

"Oh, Martha … you – you really outdid yourself."

"I did. Facing death demands celebrating life. Tonight we feast." She smiles at Beckett and the detective can't do anything but smile back. His family is adorable and sweet.

* * *

After he handed her a glass of Merlot, Beckett traipsed over to the couch. Her mind was reeling. She was still thinking over what had happened today, about all the emotions she had gone through, starting with call coming in from Castle and the hostage situation, the explosion in the bank and ending with their conversation. He knew. All this time, he knew. That man.

He settles right beside her, sipping the wine from his own glass. Martha is chatting about something regarding her latest play and Beckett tries to listen the woman, but her mind is too distracted by the warm male body next to her. She doesn't even notice Alexis smiling at the pair and Martha ending her monologue about _Wicked_ and its eighth anniversary and how she is going to sneak into their celebration party because she has a friend in the cast.

Kate doesn't even notice the time passing.

"Well, I'm going to clear the table, never mind me." Martha's words make Beckett stir from her thoughts. The actress stands up and walks to the table, Alexis on her tail. They start to clean the table.

Beckett feels a bit of guilty about not helping them and stands up as well. She picks up some dishes from the table. When she is on her way to the counter, Martha protests. "No, no, Kate dear. Sit down. You are a guest here."

"Uh," she blushes slightly. "But I want to help."

"Seriously, sit down," Martha orders and smiles at the detective. "Alexis and I can handle this. And I am sure Richard would like you to sit with him." She winks and nudges her head towards Castle sitting on the couch.

Beckett really doesn't know what to say. She places the dishes down on the counter and apologizes. "Sorry. I just wanted to help."

Martha only laughs. "Don't say 'sorry' unless you are a Canadian. Now, go back to the couch, sit down and enjoy your wine."

Beckett chuckles. "Okay."

She turns on her heels and walks back to Castle who is comfortably sitting on the couch, watching her.

"I was kicked out of the kitchen," she apologizes as she sits down next to him.

"Yeah," Castle smiles. "I thought they would. Though Mother doesn't usually like to clean up after herself. I don't know what's gotten into her today."

Beckett chuckles again and sips her wine. She straightens her limbs and she feels calmness creeping inside her bones. His loft works magic on her and his presence has a relaxing effect. She closes her eyes for a moment, taking in the noises of the apartment. Martha and Alexis filling the dishwasher and chatting, calm music playing the background.

It feels like home.

"You okay?" Castle asks.

Beckett cracks her eyes open. She is greeted by his worried face. She smiles at him sleepily and nods. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know. We had a crazy day."

He moves himself closer to her, his thighs brushing against hers. She nods. "That is an understatement."

He nods.

Suddenly his eyes widen. "Gimme a sec, I need to show you something. Okay?"

Beckett watches as he gets up from the couch and looks down at her. "Yeah, okay," she smiles.

He runs off to his office, shuffles some papers at his desk, definitely searching for something. He picks up a paper in one hand and a file folder in other. Deciding what to take, he places the file folder down on the desk, opens it and takes a glossy paper out of it.

He doesn't notice as the screen of his smartboard suddenly comes to life as he knocked the remote with his file folder.

He is still focused on shuffling through the papers when Beckett hears Alexis' voice behind her.

"Dad? Grams and I are going to bed."

"You are?" Castle shouts from his office. "Just a sec!" He places both of the papers back to the desk and rushes out from the office.

He stops in front of the pair, smiling and opening his arms. "I'm feeling a deep-seated need for a hug."

In a normal situation, Beckett would have been watching Castle and his family interact together to witness the sweet situation forming in front of her.

But right now, she is distracted. Something else catches her eye.

There is a picture of _her_ on his smartboard.

_Her_.

The sounds of his family disappear from her mind as she gets up from the couch. She pads towards his office, her eyes locked on the image her face on the screen. Why does he have a picture of her there?

When she finally reaches his office, she can see why.

There is some kind of a virtual file folder attached to her picture, her face in the middle of the screen. Like a moth drawn to the flame, she steps closer to the screen and touches her photo.

The pictures of other people pop up and suddenly, she realizes what is _on_ that screen.

It's her _mother's murder_ and everything that connects to it.

Everything that they know, everything that they have found out together.

And, as it seems, some new information and new questions have been added there. He has been looking into her mother's case and he hasn't told her anything? Why hasn't he said anything? Why is he doing this to her? Hiding new information that could be pivotal to catching her mother's killer! Why?

"Beckett?" she hears his voice echoing behind her. She turns around to see him standing at the door of his office, his face reflecting his serious state of mind.

"I can explain…"

* * *

_**A/N: Don't kill me?**_

_**And if anyone got offended about the Canadian line, don't. It was a direct stab at my beta Shena who is in fact a Canadian. And she apologizes a lot. And it's too easy to make fun of her. And with her. **_

_**Let me know your thoughts. I appreciate them very, very much. **_


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

The moment of silence hangs between them like a wall, drawing the gorge between them even bigger. She just stares at him, the smartboard illuminated behind her, shining through her wavy hair. He is watching her, slowly creeping closer to her, his serious features have morphed into an apologetic sorrow.

"I can explain," he repeats. He stops a few feet away from her and looks into her eyes.

She doesn't say anything but draws in ragged breath. The silence continues to grow, neither of them moving nor talking.

Finally, Beckett decides to break the stillness around them. "Why?"

Her voice is shaky; she is holding back tears as she understands the full seriousness of the situation. He has been investigating her mother's case behind her back. He had told her to stand down, that they would do it later, _together_. But he had been doing it. Without her.

"Castle, why?"

"I had to." He sighs. "Before Montgomery went into that hanger with you, he sent a package to someone. Someone he trusted. It contained information damaging to the person behind all this. Montgomery was trying to protect you."

"What's that got to do with you investigating my mother's murder? _Alone_?" she presses out.

Castle raises a hand to motion her to let him speak. "The package didn't arrive until after you had been shot. Apparently, Montgomery's friend struck a deal with them. If they left you alone, that package and the information inside would never see the light of day. But they made one condition."

"Condition?" she furrows her eyebrows in anger and confusion.

"Yeah," he nods and breathes in. "You had to back off. And that's the reason you're alive right now, Kate. It's because you stopped."

Beckett tries to take in all this new information, her mind refusing to hear what he tries to explain.

"How do you know all this? The bits of information on your board, how do you know?"

Castle swallows.

"They didn't say _I _couldn't investigate. They needed someone who would make sure you weren't pursuing it, in order for the deal to work."

"So you have been lying to me? All this time?" she swallows back tears but a single traitorous one manages to run down her cheek.

"I was just trying to keep you safe," he breathes out, trying to step closer to her. To touch her, to do something at least.

She takes an instinctive step back. "By lying to me about the most important thing in my life? Castle why? Why are you doing this alone?"

"That lie has been the only thing protecting you. You haven't looked into the case, they left you alone. And the bit of new info I have? They have all been dead ends."

She tries to get her breathing to get back to normal, but she feels the first flickers of a panic starting to influence her, wave of nausea hitting her senses. The information she just learned… The day she had. Everything is becoming too much. And the thought of him investigating her case alone, placing himself in the crosshairs. That frightens her the most.

"I have to go," she says, her voice shaky. She brushes past Castle and heads towards the front door of the loft.

"Beckett, wait." Castle is on her heels, trying to stop her.

"Castle, I… need to go," she presses through her teeth while she is putting on her boots and grabbing her jacket. She is _not_ going to have panic attack in front of him. She needs to get out. Now! The faster the better.

Without a word, she is out of the apartment, leaving Castle just standing there, looking at the loft door with wide eyes and so many unanswered questions between them.

* * *

_**A/N: *ducks and covers* I know it's short, but don't kill me? **_

_**There is two chapters left of this fic, so don't you worry. **_

_**I really hope you like it. And we have to get over the bump, before we can enjoy the catharsis.**_

_**Review?**_


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Kate tries to control her breathing in the cab. It doesn't work.

She couldn't take her cruiser because having drunk two glass of wine, it was unwise to drive. Even if she wanted to walk, she couldn't because at the moment she stepped out from his apartment building, it started to rain. Heavily. Luckily there was a taxi waiting just around the corner.

The driver looks at her suspiciously as she tries to force herself to breathe slower. But the narrow field of vision and numbing hum in her ears doesn't allow her to concentrate on her efforts. She feels like the world is closing in on her and her breathing gets shallower and shallower by the minute.

The journey to her apartment seems longer than usual and she starts to feel dizzy. When the cab finally stops, she doesn't even see what sum she is giving to the driver. All she cares about is getting out of there.

The tears start to flow somewhere between the second and the third floor while she is racing up the stairs. She couldn't wait for the elevator, it was too slow. _Too_ slow. Her hands are shaking when she tries to force the key into the lock of her door. She misses it once, twice, before the damned thing slides in and she can open the door.

She slams the door behind her and collapses on the floor, drawing in air with short gasps. She needs to take off her coat. It's too hot and then… it's too cold.

Between the ragged breaths and weeping noises, she manages to shed her coat and her watch, along with her badge and her gun. It's too much. Everything is too much for her.

Finally, after a long while, her heart rate starts to slow down as the adrenaline starts to fade from her system. Her breaths start to deepen and the flow of her tears stops. When she finally feels the spell of dizziness lift from her, he tries to sit up, lean against the door and breathe.

Just breathe.

She is grateful that she managed to reach her home before she was too far gone. It wasn't pretty. These kinds of breakdowns never are. She had panic attack once or twice before, when she was recovering in the cabin. But nothing ever felt like this.

She finally stands up. Her legs are shaking. She wipes off the remainder of her tears and picks up the badge and her gun she had thrown away before. She takes them onto their place in her bedroom and walks back to the kitchen.

Everything around her feels empty now.

She pours herself a glass of scotch and sits onto her couch, the sound of heavy raindrops pounding on her window, her mind reeling over what just happened.

She can't believe what he had done. Just when things seem change between them, everything starting to move to the positive side, something happens.

Why he had to do that? Why he had to go behind her back and make some deals with shadowy people he had never met. To play with her life. With his life as well. She would forgive him that. But he is playing with both of their lives. He just escaped the deadly bomb in the bank and now this… does his own life means nothing to him? For crying out loud, he has family, his daughter, his mother. He can't just throw his life away.

She takes a sip from her glass when she hears a knock on her door.

_Who?_

She walks to her door and peeks into the peephole. Cop's habits. Better safe than sorry. She sees a familiar form standing there.

_It's Castle. _

She lets out a long sigh, pressing her fingers the bridge of her nose. She isn't sure she can face him at the moment.

He knocks again. This time a little bit more forcefully. "Beckett open up!"

Maybe he will go away if she faces him. She hesitates, but finally swings the door open.

"Castle, what do you want?" her voice is low, unfriendly.

Castle is standing there, in the doorway. He looks like he had run there, his hair dripping wet from the rain, his coat soggy.

He looks to her eyes. Intently.

"_You_."

He doesn't hesitate to push his way into her apartment. He's reaching for her face and she takes a few steps back before he catches her and brings his lips to meet hers.

She's surprised and doesn't know how to respond. She wants to tell him to go away, but his lips against hers, it just feels too good.

He breaks their kiss and leans his forehead against hers.

"I'm so sorry, Beckett. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

He leans forward, kissing her a second time, until she pushes him back. He isn't surprised. He knew she was going to push him away eventually.

"I'm sorry for doing this," Castle whispers, trying to convey his sorriness through his eyes. "I just… after you didn't call, it was the only way to feel connected to you. Even now, when I know you can't investigate it… I still want you to have some kind of closure. You need it. You deserve it. I… I just want you to have it all."

Beckett closes her eyes and tries to take it all in. "Castle. You… lied. To me. They might come after you… why did you do this?"

"Beckett, You almost died, and I realized that all I've ever needed was you... I just want you..."

He leans in closer to kiss her. But when she just stands still, he hesitates and stops few inches away from her lips, breathing in her scent.

They just look into each other's eyes and Castle moves his hand from her shoulder to her cheek, his fingers softly brushing the line of her lips.

Something snaps inside Beckett.

She gives up denial.

She wants him. She has wanted him ever since they had their first kiss a year ago. He is right there, in front of her, genuinely apologetic. At this very moment - she forgives him and takes action.

She lunges forward and fuses her lips with his. Castle responds immediately to her, opening his mouth and drawing her in. He turns them around so that he can push her against her front door, his big, warm body crowding hers. Beckett moans into his mouth and her fingers end up somewhere in his hair, around his neck, on his back. He slides his fingers up and down her sides, skimming the surface of her skin.

He can't resist the siren call of her neck, so his mouth starts travelling south, placing kisses everywhere on its way. When his lips hit a particular pulse point, her knees give out and she starts to slide down the door. He presses his leg between hers and his arms surround her like a wall, pressing her slender body even more against him. He kisses her neck with abandon, drawing out moans and sighs from her.

They are like a frantic bundle of moving arms and mouths, caressing each other, kissing every surface they can. Somewhere between the breathtaking kisses, he manages to get his fingers under the hem of her shirt and she raises her arms to help him to get rid of the annoying garment.

As soon as her shirt is off, he attacks the newly revealed skin, enjoying every bit of the surface he can find. She still has a light shirt on, but that doesn't stop him one bit. He lowers his head to her neck and kisses down the column of it.

Her fingers find the buttons of his shirt and she starts unbuttoning them. They got rid of his coat and jacket some time ago and his shirt is the only thing that is stopping her from touching his skin.

Suddenly his kisses slow down as he discovers the puckered bullet scar between her breasts. He stops and just looks at round red healed flesh.

She takes in a shuddering breath, takes his hand and places on her chest, on top of her scar.

Her heart.

He kisses her again. This time, the hurried pace is gone. The energy has settled around them and all that remains is this calm, loving feeling. He kisses her slowly, deeply, his hand resting on top of her scar. He's drinking her in, trying to memorize every move she makes, every sound that comes out of her.

When they finally break the kiss they just stand there, Beckett crowded against the door of her apartment, Castle towering over her. They look at each other, their eyes locked like there is some kind of spell around them.

He smiles, so does she.

She slides her hand back up to her chest where his hand lies. She lifts it and entwines their fingers.

This is her final step before they cross the line for forever. The final step that has been always hers to take. She closes her eyes for a second and opens them again. She smiles and he moves his knee, allowing her to move.

She leads him through the apartment towards her bedroom, their hands joined.

* * *

He lies her down on her bed, the mattress sinks underneath their joined weight.

He managed to get rid of her shirt and her pants trailing past the kitchen and through the living room on the path to her bedroom. Enough time had passed without him kissing her, so he had claimed her mouth against the door of her bedroom, his nimble fingers working on getting rid of the clothes. She was as eager as he, efficiently unbuttoning all of his buttons and sliding the shirt from his shoulders.

Now on her bed, Beckett is sprawled on top of her comforter wearing only her white bra and red panties, Castle towering over her, looking down. They are both breathless from the kisses they shared in the hallway. She smiles up to him and brings her hand to caress his face. He leans into the warmth of her hand before he leans down again, kissing her lips with abandon, the overwhelming feelings making her moan under him.

Her hands travel up his abdomen and slide downwards. When they reach the waistband of black suit pants, she starts unbuttoning them. The zipper opens with a teasing sound and he feels her pulling his pants down, revealing the blue boxers underneath. She doesn't even notice Castle removing the remainder of the clothes as he works his way down from her neck to her belly with his mouth. The waves of pleasure are creating a storm of emotions in her brain and in her heart. She even forgets to breathe.

He seals his lips with hers and swallows her cry of joy when she reaches her climax few moments before him. The feeling of her ecstasy around him triggers his own release and he comes with a silent cry on his lips against her throat.

When they finally lay in each other's arms, joined as one, her heart sings out loud in happiness.

This is where she wants to be. This is where she belongs, in his arms.

When they finally come down from their high, Castle brings his lips against her ear. He feels the flutter of her heart against his skin, as he kisses the soft flesh. Placing another kiss on the soft flesh of her neck, he whispers, _"I love you."_

* * *

_**Ahem. **_

_**Thoughts?**_


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

The moonlight shines through the curtains, illuminating the two sleeping bodies underneath the purple comforter. The rain must have stopped sometime during the night. The weather has calmed down for now. The faint light shines onto the window frames and it flickers as the clouds come and go. Castle has wrapped himself around Beckett, her lithe body is surrounded by his strong arms, and they are facing each other as lovers would. They sleep peacefully, oblivious to outside world, bedcovers keeping them warm and safe.

Beckett is the first one to stir. She cracks her eyes open and startles for a second. Then, her features relax as she realizes where she is and what she is doing there. She peeks up to see Castle's sleeping face and a small smile flickers through her features. Resting her head back against her pillow, her body relaxes and she turns in his embrace - to lie on her back

She lets a long sigh as she settles back on her side, leaning into his warmth. The comforter is only covering them up to the chest, leaving quite a lot of skin to be revealed to the chilly air around them. Her eyes travel around her room and they finally stop at the window. She continues to stare at the flickering moonlight at her window as her mind finds itself busy reminding her things.

This is their first night together. It took them over three years to come this far and without him poking and prodding, she would never have let anybody in to her heart like she has done with Castle. He kicked down her walls, one by one, and opened the doors for the possibility of happiness for her.

Yes, she had run away after she was released from the hospital, but she never meant to hurt him that way. She needed time. And space. But mostly time - to rearrange things in her head, to make everything okay. To keep her sane during the horrible nights at the lonely cabin. She had yearned to pick up the phone and call him. But she never did.

When she came back, he was mad. At first. But he had welcomed her with open arms, forgiving her what she had done to him. She realizes it now that he was afraid for her life and he wanted to stay close. But doing so ensured that he could kick down all of the walls surrounding her heart.

The bomb destroyed the remainder of the rubble that had still remained to protect her emotions, stripping her emotionally bare. The kiss… Oh the kiss they shared. That changed everything. Once he had tasted her, he never gave up. And she is eternally grateful for that. He stayed with her all this time.

Even though he had gone behind her back and investigated her mother's murder, she is happy he stayed. Nobody had done anything like this for her. Nobody even bothered to get to know her and he is the only one who saw past all those defenses she had and ripped her bare. She is still mad at him for investigating alone and putting his life to danger. But they are here, together, and they still have each other. And that is what matters.

"You know, you are cute when you are thinking."

Castle's sleepy voice startles her from her thoughts. She turns her head towards his voice and sees his eyes open, observing her with a quiet smile. His hair is messy, black strands of hair sticking up every direction.

He's cute as well, when he is sleepy.

"Heey," she smiles back at him. "What do you mean?"

He shifts his body upwards and looks her into eyes, clear blue meeting sweet hazel. "It's just the way your brow furrows when you're thinking… It's adorable."

Beckett smiles even wider when she hears the familiar compliment. "How long have you been awake?"

"Enough time to see you go into that trance," he moves closer, placing a kiss on her naked shoulder.

"Trance?"

"You were thinking really hard about something," he states. She can hear a little bit of fear in his voice when he vocalizes the next question. "Are you having regrets?"

Regrets? He's thinking that she is having second thoughts about her decisions. Them ending up together.

"What, Castle, No!" She turns to face him, her whole body angled towards his, their arms touching. "Why do you think I have regrets?"

"This thing between us. It came so suddenly. And the situations that led us to this weren't the best either," he sighs. "It's just, seeing you so serious and deep in thought…"

"Castle, listen to me," she places her hand on his face to caress his cheek. "I am not regretting this. What happened, happened. There's nothing we can do about our past, only walk forward. When you think about it, things have never been easy between you and I."

He relaxes visibly and that adorable smile returns to his face. "Bombs and secrets?"

She chuckles, "Yeah. Something like that."

Her face grows serious. "But you have to know that I am still… broken, Castle. I may push you away, I might do things that I regret."

Castle listens her intently, his blue eyes alert and worried.

"I'm still seeing a therapist. I … need to work through things. I…" she tries to find words but trails off, averting her gaze away from him.

He brings his hand to her cheek and turns her face back towards him.

"Beckett," he whispers.

Their eyes meet.

"As you said, things have never been easy between us. But I want this to work. And if that means when things get difficult we have to figure them out, I'm willing to figure them out with you. Are you willing to figure them out with me?"

Sometimes the writer-man has just the perfect words. A lonely tear runs down her cheek and she nods. "Yes."

"Then I think we are okay, Kate. We will be okay," he whispers and leans closer to her. He stops before his lips meet hers. "We will be spectacular."

He brings his mouth down fully, meeting her lips in a passionate kiss. His hands travel from her neck to her hips, pulling her closer to him, his tongue creating sweet havoc in her mouth. She sighs as their bare chests meet and she can feel his arousal against her stomach.

When his lips find her neck she chuckles about his over eagerness.

"Round two?"

His lips halt their movements and he pulls his head away from her, looking at her, smiling. "Well, technically, it's round three."

Her laughter turns into a moan when he resumes his ministrations on her neck, his fingers sliding over her puckered nipples.

"Well, it'd better be a good one then," she whispers seductively into his ear.

"Oh, don't worry, it will," he groans as he bites her shoulder, climbing on top of her. "It will."

And then, there is no more talking.

* * *

_**A/N: I sincerely thank all of you for reading and… being with me with all the journey with this fic. I am blown away with all the response I got. With over 200 reviews, over 400 follows and over 100 favourites – it has to be the most popular fic I have ever written. I was floored with the response of the first chapter and … I am still amazed with all of you. Thank you so much!**_

_**I just want to hug all of you. Thank you, my dear readers – you have made me a happy author. I would really like to write each and every one of you back, but I haven't had any free time. If I see a free evening one day… maybe I will ;)**_

_**Thank you Shena and my crazy german – for the beta duty. You are the best ever.**_

_**Just… Thank you. Everybody. *mwah***_

_**And now – review? What do you think about the last chapter? **_


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